Sep 2023
Imagine a world where 2D platformers are so prevalent that even the magical portals you travel through seem like they were stitched together in a festival of aesthetic mediocrity. Welcome to Enchanted Portals, where every bumpy ride through its questionable dimensions begs the question: was this really necessary? Released back in September 2023, this game gives off serious 'Cuphead'-wannabe vibes—more like a poorly concocted potion than a delightful enchantment.
In the enchanting world of Enchanted Portals, you step into the shoes of Bobby and Penny, two rookie wizards with all the finesse of a toddler with a magic wand. The premise revolves around these duo’s unfortunate encounter with a magical book that decides it wants to eat them (or whatever the gaming equivalent of that is). The gameplay itself is a classic 2D platformer setup, combining standard run-and-gun mechanics with unintriguing spells, boss fights, and magical challenges that range from mundane to downright obnoxious. Players can choose to journey alone or drag a friend along for the ride—though good luck finding someone you don’t want to throttle after they die for the fiftieth time. You can utilize three types of spell attacks, conjure up a protective bubble for brief moments of invincibility, or even swipe at obstacles like a caffeinated child on a sugar rush (because that’s every wizard’s dream, right?). Each world you traverse feels like a bad fever dream that involves jungles, spaceships, and disgruntled magicians, yet managing to go from one world to the next is almost as enjoyable as getting stuck in an elevator with someone who constantly checks their watch. Let’s not even get started on the bosses—boss fights that would make even the most patient among us write an angry letter to the Xixo Games Studio because their cat could probably dodge better than the game’s hitboxes.
If there’s one thing this game nails, it’s its visuals—sort of. The art style screams vintage animation, which is definitely meant to give you a nostalgic, warm hug, much like grandma, but then you realize grandma has a few screws loose and she watches horror movies on repeat. It’s undoubtedly charming… if you squint hard enough. However, underneath that veneer lies an inconsistency that makes you question whether they decided to mix and match their frames of reference from several different articles on ’90s animation. The visuals can sway from whimsical wonder to a confused mess that makes you wonder if your eyes should be seeking help from an optometrist. It doesn’t help that controllers sometimes feel like they're trying to play the game while you’re screaming for help at the screen. Enchanted Portals can feel like a magic spell gone wrong—something that should definitely have 'Do Not Attempt' spray-painted across the front.
In summary, Enchanted Portals is like that college buddy you try to avoid at all costs—the one who thinks he’s funny when in actuality everyone else cringes and sorts through their Instagram feed for something to distract themselves. This title promises a magical experience yet delivers a journey riddled with high expectations and disappointments. Instead of feeling like powerful wizards navigating through enchanting landscapes, it’s more akin to a mediocre play through unfocused realms of indistinct flavor. After those glowing reviews from fellow friends in the industry, we left with more questions than answers about what 'magical' truly means. If you’re itching for a platforming experience that doesn't quite scratch that nostalgic itch left by Cuphead, give Enchanted Portals a whirl. If nothing else, it will make you appreciate the truly enchanted designs of games past, providing a stark reminder of how far we’ve fallen. Or you could just play something else. Your call, but trust us—it might be the better decision. Overall, we award this game a competent 4 out of 10. Here’s to the enchanted portals that lead us to better game development choices ahead!
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