When the dust settled in the wake of January 20, 1995, PlayStation owners across the universe received a singular gift from Japanese developer Neorex: Cosmic Race. One could argue it was a tourism ad for the cosmos gone awry, or perhaps a cosmic joke meant for the developers’ own amusement. Featuring brightly colored spaceships, questionable physics, and more loading times than a Japanese bullet train schedule, it has earned its place in the hall of infamy for being inexplicably bad, much like your uncle's karaoke performance at the family reunion.
Engaging with Cosmic Race feels akin to being strapped into a roller coaster that’s perpetually stuck at the top of the first hill. Players have access to six ships, featuring quirky names representing cats, dogs, and other creatures that would likely be embarrassing on a Tinder date. Each ship is helmed by poorly animated humanoids that appear rather awkwardly, like they've just learned how to walk. Gameplay modes include 'point time try', 'cosmic race', and enough 'chase' variations to boggle the mind and question your sanity. 'Story mode' attempts to weave a narrative so convoluted, you’d find it easier to decipher a toddler’s crayon drawings. Controls are a baffling mix of responsiveness and absurdity that would have you scratching your head as you try to engage the mighty 'R1' button — yes, it’s the magic button that propels your ship into the depths of cosmic nothingness while simultaneously reminding you of your life choices. For those opting for multiplayer disappointment, there exist modes for two players — because why shouldn't you share the pain?
Visually, Cosmic Race plunges into a black void that even Dali would find perplexingly abstract. Relying heavily on graphics from the PlayStation developer's kit, it’s a game that makes the early efforts of game design feel like painting a masterpiece with a blindfold. One would earnestly hope that with all the advances in technology, something more breathtaking could emerge than the vibrant splashes of chaos presented in this title. Ships look as if they designed themselves while too busy watching late-night anime marathons. The backgrounds offer a feast for the eyes, if your diet consisted solely of bland grains and monochromatic wallpapers stripped of any immersion.
Ultimately, Cosmic Race is a dopamine-rich take on what happens when artistic vision collides with dismal execution, leaving nothing but debris in its wake. The allure of racing through the cosmos quickly fades when faced with vigorous loading screens, counterintuitive control systems, and gameplay so disjointed that it makes a toddler's jigsaw seem like an exercise in mathematics. In the words of Game Players magazine, which retreated into a shell of zeroes after examining this cosmic catastrophe: 'Your mom could do better graphics than this. Seriously.' Give Cosmic Race a try if you're looking not for entertainment but rather for a historical lesson in what can go wrong in game design. A perfect choice for anyone wanting to scratch that morbid curiosity itch — or for those ready to clock in some time at the intergalactic fail spectrum. If you're ever bored, just watch paint dry instead; it may provide more entertainment value than this stellar slip-up.
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