Introduction

Let's face it, every gamer has had that moment of existential dread while fiddling with their first PlayStation 2 console-pondering life choices, and inevitably questioning, why does this game exist? Well, roll back to 2001, and Konami decided that what the world needed was a samurai fighting game (and a bit of romance) based on a film that wasn't really a blockbuster. Enter '7 Blades', the game where swords come in batches, just like IKEA furniture, and you might just want to throw it all out after you get started.

Gameplay

As the charmingly inept Gokurakumaru, the player zips through mid-17th century Japan like a mercenary with a chip on his shoulder. Alongside his gun-toting girlfriend, Oyuri, and comic relief sidekick, Togizo-whose primary function seems to revolve around holding swords and making sarcastic comments-you'll be slicing and dicing through bad guys like they're vegetables in a reality cooking show. But unlike those culinary programs, there's no 'elimination'-just plain old elimination, complete with blood splatters that would make any art student proud. The mechanics are a sordid cocktail of action-adventure chaos that feels like someone dropped Tenchu and Tomb Raider into a blender on high speed without checking if the lid was on. Expect a lot of button mashing, dizzying camera angles that will make you question your grasp of spatial awareness, and boss fights that range from mildly concerning to 'Did I just defeat a human-sized cabbage?'. Notably, the AI tends to be about as sharp as a butter knife, so consider yourself lucky if you have any trouble at all.

Graphics

Graphically, '7 Blades' stands as a monument to the PS2's ambitions-think 'early 2000s graphics meet 'oh baby, that's a bad texture map''. The backgrounds are as lush as they are uninviting, while character models occasionally resemble a stick figure who just left a gym for the first time. It's like watching a bad high school play where only half the cast shows up, and everyone's trying their hardest. However, the game does boast a few glorious moments of visual splendor. You might even have a moment where you think, 'Damn, this is actually kind of cool,' right before realizing the main character is squinting like he's seen the sun after weeks in a dark room.

Conclusion

'7 Blades' ultimately lives up to its name-there are indeed seven of them, and you will wield them. Whether or not such wielding brings bliss to your gaming experience is another question entirely. If you are on the hunt for a slice of samurai lore mixed with hilarious stumbles of gameplay, then you might find something nostalgic here. But it's equally likely that this game is reminiscent of a late-night food run, where you find yourself questioning each decision on the way home. If you ever find a copy, it's worth a shot, if only for the laughs...and maybe to see how many ways you can wield your sword before you've had enough. Good luck, and may your dodgy camera angles be ever in your favor!

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